Dear friend,
I am not very brave. I would say actually I’m fearful a lot of the time. I’m afraid of heights. I’m afraid of the wind. I’m afraid of driving. I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of the impossible.
So last week I found myself in a new place. I’ve been plodding on with Jesus in a fairly happy sort of way, when I round a corner and find myself face to face with an impossible precipice, a huge gap in the path. By this I mean something that I cannot control or guarantee the outcome of, but where I need to get across in order to carry on. Tricky. My major response is one of fear, but I hate being scared. So immediately I go into old patterns. First thing I do is to try and sort the situation: cue google searches on “how to cross a precipice in 24 hours or less.” Knowledge will save me! If that doesn’t work I try to come up with a clever plan using whatever skills I think might be useful: time to do some
serious overthinking. If I can just think enough about it, I convince myself that I’ll understand what this precipice is all about and solve it (like a real life version of escape rooms). A cunning plan will save me! And if these don’t work I also try praying very hard and hoping I sprout wings. This usually results in me being very annoyed with God about the lack of progress. My faith will save me! The result of all these things is that I never deal with my feelings of fear and I never stop hating precipices - in fact I have spent seasons of my life so scared of them that I’ve just sat down and refused to move.
The problem is that on the edge of that impossible place, I have brought the wrong questions to be answered. I think that the precipice is a test of ME. But actually it is a test of HIM. The point of the huge impossible gap is not to prove how brave/brilliant/clever/faithful I am. It’s to prove how faithful HE is. How faithful God is to us.
So I am looking at my heart in this place. First thing I think I need to hear is, “put down the cunning plan...walk away from the methods of control.” It’s ok to be scared in a place of impossible. God knows that and he wants to meet you in your fear and help you hold it well. The best thing we can do is give into feeling that way, because then we can call out.
“He will call on me and I will answer him.
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honour him.”
Psalm 91:15
The next important thing is not to ask the precipice my questions. How well/quickly/successfully I get across this impossible gap is not up to me! It does not tell me how loved I am, how significant I am, how capable I am. God answers those questions and I cannot hear him when I am so busy trying to formulate plans or find solutions. Getting to the other side does not prove I am loved. God wants to tell me that right now. Before I even attempt to cross. Can I quiet my heart enough to hear you speak Father? Can I stand here on the edge of impossible armed with nothing but my hope and a prayer? A single prayer that calls out your name.
So I’ve stopped and laid my questions and sellotaped plan down. I know this is impossible. Now I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. Because he is about to do something awesome!
“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us timeout perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith.” Hebrews 12:2
I’ve got to fix my eyes on the one who’s on the other side. And look for the way that HE will provide because HE is the one who is proving himself here, not me. He is faithful.
Who knows how he will make a way....Maybe an invisible bridge like in Indiana Jones. Maybe a secret path down to the valley beneath like in Narnia. Maybe a hot air balloon is about to rise up from nowhere and carry me safely across. Perhaps Jesus will plonk his cross in the middle and I can walk to the other side. Perhaps he will carry me on wings like eagles. He WILL make a way though. He cannot deny himself.
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23
So will you stand with me friend? On the edge of impossible, holding only our hope, and with our eyes on the One who will get us there safe.
Love Katy x