Dear friend,
I am rattling home on the way back from London. September’s warm light is pouring through the windows and on to fields of stubble and yellow frilled trees.
I am thinking about the kindness of God.
Kindness is under rated. Next to gentleness in its weakness. Slightly patronising perhaps? “Oh, that’s kind.” It is something we say about nice things. But real kindness is incredibly powerful. An act of kindness can pull people away from the brink. Kindness is what motivates the biggest rescues. It is love that moves into action. It is love on the move. To be kind is to do love.
Kindness is also not proportionate. It is not something that you give someone depending on how much they deserve it. Kindness is dependent on how kind the giver is.
So how kind is God?
“But when the kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” Titus 3:4-6
The kindness of God is Jesus. And he is kind because he is kind, not because of what we are like.
Jesus was immeasurably kind. A combination of seeing and reaching out. Jesus sees the hidden people, seeing through their shame and their hurt and seeing their actual selves. And then he refuses to be silent but speaks into the shadowy places in their hearts to free them and love them. He speaks kindness and acceptance. He touches people who haven’t been touched for years and who are supposed to be contagiously bad for him. He overwhelms the unclean with his clean. He overwhelms dark places in people with the light of truth, replacing lies - “You are not alone. You are a child of God. You are dearly loved.” He overwhelms death with life. This is the kindness of God. He doesn’t leave us as orphans but comes to meet us in Jesus. Beautiful kindness.
In Jesus we see kindness being powerful because it changes things. It changes the way people are seen by others, it changes how they feel about themselves, it changes their situations. When Jesus touches a leper (Luke 5), his kindness overcomes social norms, embarrassment, fear of contamination, it overcomes the law (in Jewish law you were not allowed to touch lepers), it overcomes what people may think, it overcomes the shame of the leper. Jesus kindness overcomes all barriers, he reaches into the leper’s life and loves him and changes everything with his words and his touch. His kindness changes everything for him.
I am not good at living in this kindness. It is not my natural state to assume God is going to be kind to me. When I’m unsure about something I assume it’s going to be worse that I imagine, to save myself disappointment. I do not presume God will be kind. But God longs to be invited into my tricky situations, he longs to change them from the inside out with his kindness. Sometimes the situation ends. Sometimes it changes - like it’s made of something different.
“How priceless is your unfailing love (loving-kindness) O God!
People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.” Psalm 36:7
So often, I rob myself of freedom from anxiety in anticipating unlove. I do not trust God to be kind. I do not trust he is a safe place to go when things are hard. And then I rob myself of experiencing the kindness because I am flinching, ready to face difficulty.
What if I begin to live like God really is kind? What if I begin to approach Jesus in my prayers with the assumption that he is kind? What if I spent time every day with one who wants to pour kindness over mr and fill my life with stories of his ever kindness?
When I pray I often seem to have some assumption that God has some bad things to say. Some well-intentioned pointers of stuff I should be working on to impress him more. Like he’ll probably say, “Hello stranger,” (sarcastic eyebrow raise), “well at least your here now.” That is not what Jesus is like!! That is not kind! I can not use up Gods kindness. I need to be saying to myself as I come to pray - that is not God! God is kinder than my imagination could ever make him. He is better than I could ever dream him to be. There is safety in knowing we can not ever exaggerate Gods kindness. Jesus shows us that God would pour every part of himself out in pursuit of us. This is embarrassing kindness! Even if I do nothing right and nothing for him, he is still kind.
And if I believe and trust in this kindnesss, perhaps I can become kinder to myself?
The way I talk to myself can be brutal. It’s quite often unspoken but generally critical. I don’t let myself get away with anything. If I make a mistake with someone else (clumsy words or thoughtless action/inaction) I am sure to make sure I put in some targets and action plan to make sure I don’t do it again. I cringe for ages until it is somehow resolved- preferably with a big long apology but if not then I’ll accept a thought out plan of how to avoid it again. I analyse conversations and interactions to assess my achievement. Do I think they like me? Was I good enough at listening? Nit picking and holding myself to tower block high standards is not kind. Imagine if someone did that every time you attempted anything. I wouldn’t count them a friend.
And then there’s lack of success in the other things I think are important. How many things are there to do to be a good parent??!! Am I present enough? Fun enough? Calm enough? Consistent enough? Am I enough? The answer ultimately is no! And it’s not kind to expect perfection! And it’s not kind to keep reminding myself of how far I keep falling short!
God’s grace in Jesus, his forgiveness in Jesus by destroying sin & death in us, means I can be kind. I need to Jesus’ kindness towards me and live in it - allowing him to extend it to me and not blocking it out with my own unacceptance & lack of kindness. I can not live free in Jesus’ kindness if I am worrying away in the other ear about failure and ruining things, the mistakes I’ve made and how to improve.
The world is right when it tells us we’ve got to accept ourselves. But self care doesn’t come out of a place of deserving it - otherwise we have to earn it ourselves. And who decides when we deserve to be loved or when we deserve to be punished or work harder? God tells me I don’t measure up all the time, but he’s stopped looking at the league tables, because all he really wants is to wrap me in a blanket, hold me close and be kind to me.
God let me learn to sit still. Let me learn to come to you, knowing that you are endlessly kind. And let me live out of that kindness so that my heart is changed inside me. Let me be kind to myself so I can be free and I can be your kindness to others.
September Kindness
Your kindness spills out sideways like September light,
Apple-golden, into sheets and pools.
All the warmth of summer wrapped in autumns breath.
Let it blanket me up.
Fading me to rosy wine and plum purple.
Your inexhaustible kindness.
Over and over kindness.
I can harvest this kindness.
Like armfuls of baked sunshine.
There is too much!
You embarrass me with the freedom you give.
Am I really allowed to be this loved?
Radical kindness.
Fierce kindness.
‘I’ve got you’ kindness.
Your full heart swells, tips over into flood.
It’s everywhere.
I can dance in this kindness.
I can wallow in this kindness.
I can live in this kindness.
Soaked and fat on your light.
Full and delight.
Katy