Dear friend,
In a way this is one of the harder blogs I have written. I am unwilling to talk about the way I look because I feel I ought to have it sorted. But I refuse to believe no one else is affected by this in the poisonous environment we live in, where we are constantly lied to and manipulated into thinking our bodies are not good enough. I believe Jesus has things to say about this that are relevant and can free us from what the world says about the way we look.
I thought I was pretty chilled about the whole ‘physical beauty’ thing and had a fairly positive relationship with my body. Changes in shape because of children and changes in my ability to exercise because of health stuff has really challenged that. I had accepted the way I looked, but my opinion of my own beauty was still based on getting close enough to what I think is beautiful. When I got to a landmark new body size, and when my reflection started to suprise, then shock, then embarrass me, I realised I was not quite so secure after all. I need my relationship with my body to be founded on something solid, not “I guess I’m not too bad as long as I am still a size 12 and do my hair.” Can we hold on to the truth that God says we are beautiful, even when we are overweight, even when we are scarred or broken, or when we are older and our skin and shape has changed completely? I don’t want to spend my life feeling trapped in my body that I ‘really ought to sort out’, or will be better when I’ve been on a diet. I don’t want to feel self conscious on holiday, or in front of my husband. And I especially don’t want to pass on my shabby concept of my beauty to my daughter. I don’t want her to ever feel that her own skin is not good enough.
As a woman it is I think a part of how we were made, this hunger to be beautiful. I wonder if that is because part of the purpose of a woman is exactly that - to bring beauty and reflect the beauty of God. Eve was the last thing to be created in Genesis - I’ve heard this explained as her being the pinnacle, the most beautiful thing in all creation. A woman’s body is certainly a very powerful thing. And the desire to be seen and to be delighted in seems to be universally experienced by women. We want to be captivating. And that’s not selfish, or vain. It is part of who we are. And we function best when we feel truly beautiful inside. When we “blossom.” When we are secure we can be loving.
The world around us uses this against us. We are told repeatedly and aggressively what beautiful looks like. What weight, what shape. At the extreme we are encouraged to alter our bodies permanently. What kind of slavery is that, to be told we are so awful as we are that we should cut into ourselves.
I was explaining to Sam what it is like to be constantly bombarded by images of other women’s bodies, often doctored by a computer but definitely altered by diet and a lot of time in exercise, make up, money on styling—- things that are completely unattainable in reality. This is not just held up in the media as beautiful, but even more toxically - normal! As if the worlds standard of beauty is not only achievable but to fall beneath it is unacceptable. What a cruel trick to tell me I am only acceptable and lovely if I am something other than I am.
A friend of mine sent her little girl to preschool in China, and one day after class, she was called in to see the teacher. The teacher showed her what her daughter had drawn that afternoon in an art lesson. The Mum was really chuffed to see what beautiful, colourful flower her daughter had drawn. However, the teacher was very cross about the picture, and proceeded to show her all the other children’s pictures of flowers. They were all exactly the same.
Now comments on Chinese education aside, it seems ridiculous to us to say we should all draw the same piece of art in an art class. What about artistic insight, craftmanship, originality, creativity? And yet this objectifying of art, making it numerical and correct/not correct, is exactly what we have done to being beautiful. How can art be made into a set of numbers and criteria? It’s ludicrous.
So if that’s not what beauty is, what is it really. What does God say it is? How can we learn to see ourselves the way he does? I have found three different ideas that I am asking God to replace my current thinking with. These are the things I want my girl to believe make her beautiful.
What does God see when he looks at me?
1. His child: “So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith.”
Galatians 3:26
I imagine this like God the father crowning me (preferably with flowers). Through what Jesus did we are given a place in God’s family, invited to be his beloved child. There is so much that comes with this. To be his child, means to be lovingly crafted and enjoyed. When we look at our own children we see them as the miracle that they are. The way they look is part of our delight - they are unique, precious and enchanting, simply because they are our precious children. When we come before God he crowns us, as our father. This crown is our inheritance, our destiny. He sees us as we will be heaven, daughters of the king. He looks on us with love. I have imagine-prayed this lots of times. To look into his face and see the precious crown he chooses to give me as his beautiful daughter.
2. His bride - “All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you.” Song of Songs 4:7
Song of Songs is a poem about marriage and love. It’s also a picture of Jesus’ love for his bride the church. Jesus sees us in that wedding-day-beautiful way, in that romantic, completely-blown-away kind of way. He loves us with a passionate, pursuing-us, fighting-for-us kind of love.
“Show me your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.” Song of Songs 2:14 There is great power in falling in love. Our love for a person enables us to see things no one else can. We fall in love with the way they laugh, the way they move, the softness in their gaze, the tilt of their smile. It elevates them to a widescreen shot where the corners are blurred and there are strings playing. I don’t think this is something fake where our hormones are tricking us to ignore their imperfections (although I admit we do not always stay in this place of adoration and connection). I think that in love we are drawn to see the beauty that is always there, because we have been invited to know that persons deeper self. Their quirks become beautiful to us. “My dove, my perfect one, is unique.” Song of Songs 6:9
In some ways I find this easier to understand in the context of friends. Sometimes I may not “rate” (isn’t it awful that we do that subconsciously!!!) a girl very highly physically but when she is my friend, as I get to know her and see her real self my opinion changes and I appreciate her looks more too. It’s like getting close up to a flower.
You see the intricacy, the beauty in the detail. And I genuinely think I have some of the most beautiful people in the world who are my friends - because I love them.
I like to picture this as me and Jesus heading off somewhere on an adventure, loved and beautiful and picked out by him.
3. His home - when we invite Jesus into our lives he comes to live in our hearts. “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith.” Ephesians 3:17
And then he begins the process of making his new dwelling place truly beautiful. I like to picture this as him populating my heart like a garden. Beauty is not just about attractiveness or sexiness. In fact those things seem to be birthed out of deeper beauty. A beautiful view holds us because it makes us feel still, it gives us rest.
There is breath in it, there is life in its beauty. Beauty is life giving and restful. That is how we receive and experience true beauty. Wouldn’t we rather have this impact on the people around us, than making them feel a sense of comparison or insecurity? The only way we can hope to be truly beautiful in this way is to be shaped and transformed by Jesus from the inside out. Roald Dahl says “A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” It is true in the sense that inner beauty becomes our outer beauty. It is the heart, where Jesus lives and transforms us, where our beauty comes from. It is him that makes us beautiful for those around us.
I believe that as we believe these things about ourselves, another transformation happens too. Psalm 34:5 says “Those who look to the Lord are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame.” I imagine it like that scene in Stardust the film, when the Star Yvaine (Claire Danes) holds her love in her arms, and she shines so bright it can be seen for miles around. Knowing we are loved illuminates us so that others can see our beauty. Jesus’ love and knowing how he sees us, is the real way to pursue beauty.
So for me this transformation begins as ever with repentance. I am sorry for entering into the worlds race, competing to be more attractive, more worldly beautiful than others. I am sorry for believing the lie that my worth is determined by measuring myself against a set of numbers. I am sorry for chasing after an ideal to make me more acceptable and more recognised or appreciated by those around me, instead of valuing above all, what Jesus says about me. I want to see real freedom in this part of my life. I want to be “radiantly unashamed” of myself and the skin I live in, because I am looking to him. I want God to provide rest and life to others, through who he has made me to be. And I want my little girl to grow strong in the conviction that she is genuinely beautiful, no matter what.
Katy