Dear friend,
It is damp outside. Like the rain has been seeping and covering everything rather than falling.
I think I feel a bit like that this week. Sometimes sadness and pain are acute and sometimes they sort of fall out the sides and just leave everything gloomy and bleak and damp.
Initially I thought I wanted to write today about fomo - fear of missing out. It’s something that God has really released my heart from in the last few months. I no longer feel as intensely focussed on #livingmybestlife. (What an unhelpful thought- as if we have all the power to decide how great our lives are!) Our culture puts a lot of pressure on the individual to live well, to be in charge of our own destiny, to be the best us and happiest us we can be. It’s symptomatic of a society that is too comfy for its own good- we feel happiness can be found and learnt and achieved. But surely every life contains sadness if there is true connection, and pain if there are obstacles to over come. There is pain in growth and change. There is pain in healing. There is pain in love.
I used to lie in my bed upstairs feeling desperately frustrated about not living my best Instagram life. I had to surrender the decisions of what my day looks like to Jesus.
More than this, I began to see that underneath my fomo is my desire to control, to create my own life. In my mind I have always carried two lists, since teenage years. One of things I ‘have to’ do and one of things I ‘ought to’ do. These were full of good intentions and my own decisions about what made up a good life - more than that to be a great person:
Work hard, be productive
Pray lots, read the bible
Have lots of friends
Bean awesome teacher
Be full of joy etc etc.
Some of these were biblical, some observed, some were just me wanting to function at my best every day. As I get older there are more things to include in order to perfect my life and maintain my identity: be an awesome mum, be mindful, care for others well and be deeply empathetic and good at listening... etc.
At this point, I realised I was enslaved. Where is the grace in a life I am trying to create? There is none! It’s exhausting just thinking about it. And the result wasn’t all that great either - because I keep failing, I keep not living up to my ridiculous expectations for myself.
In being forced to do next to nothing, I have been forced to face the truth I already thought I knew - God accepts me as I am.
Can there be a greater freedom that knowing this properly? As we accept Gods love for all of ourselves (not our potential or highest-functioning version of ourselves) we can also surrender our agendas. He wants to replace my ‘have to’ and my ‘ought to’, with ‘hope’ and ‘peace’. It is my hope in God that is going to give me the fullness of character, the fullness of life that my controlling heart is actually so desperate for. I may not achieve very much at all, but my hope is that in God’s hands, my mess becomes a miracle, my small becomes powerful, my nothing much becomes legacy and my everyday becomes beautiful.
“This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength...” Isaiah 30:15
Surrendering and resting in God rescues us. Trusting Him makes us strong. So if I hold on to who God is with both hands, instead of to my lists, I might actually begin to find the life I was looking for in the start.
“Those who seek the Lord, lack no good thing.” Psalm 34:10
He holds the things that are good. He is the things that are good. Wholeness, fullness, grace, peace, hope and contentment are found in Him.
“Praise the Lord, my soul;
All my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
And forget not his benefits-
Who forgives all your sins
And heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from the pit
And crowns you with love and compassion,
Who satisfies your desires with good things
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Psalm 103:1-5
So God I come to you one more time. I give up my expectations of myself and I accept what you say about me is true, that you love me as I am. And I ask you to write the story of my life, in all it’s fullness and depth and beauty. I accept what comes from your hand, because I know you, and you are good.
Katy x