Dear friend,
Blog writing sometimes has the effect of making me feel a little bit more sorted and like I’ve got my head together. Today though I am honestly coming at this from a place of complete weakness, assuming on God’s grace to make sense of these things I think he’s whispering.
On a low day - low in health, low in hope, when I feel most invisible, most weak, I often feel like there is a voice I struggle not to listen to - louder in the quiet, louder in my weakness. I was editing an essay for Sam this morning and in it he talked about the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness. So I went to look at it in the bible - Luke and Matthew 4.
Jesus has three big questions he is tempted with when he is at his weakest and lowest. I thought I’d put them in my own context and see what God was saying to me.
The first one is “if you are the son of God, tell this stone to become bread.” There is so much power in that word, “if”. The Devil is questioning who Jesus is, his identity. This is so often at the root of my temptations. I feel like who I am is somehow being questioned. In my self I am lost. I am no longer at rest in my circumstances, who I am, or what I am/am not doing.
At this point Jesus is hungry, super hungry. I am not hungry. But I am not well. There are things for us all in our lives that are just not right. Circumstances that are broken. Satan here is challenging Jesus with that powerful lie, God does not love you because then He would do something! He is drawing on our human desire for a quick fix. For me this question looks more like “If you are really Gods child, why doesn’t he make you better? Why doesn’t he fix what is wrong?”
I am desperate for ease, for rightness, for a happy ending. This is not wrong. In fact it’s exactly why Jesus died, so he could indeed make all things new and everything right. But as we wait, as we live between the now and not-yet, what is our response? Jesus says, “Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.”
He knows what I need. He will sustain me.
Can I learn to trust that God is enough, that he is good enough for me? That he is the one who has what I need? Can I learn to rest in the truth that he knows what I need more than I? Can I stare the Devil in the face and say, “Health is not what sustains me. It is not enough for me. It is God’s word, God’s breath and God’s presence that keep me alive”? Can I let go of the circumstances I can not control and say “even now, God is enough”?
The next question is about that horrendous battle - how other people view us. “I will give you all authority and splendour...” Satan offers Jesus the chance for all kingdoms and people to see him, to love him. This is the desire to be spectacular, the desire to be adored or revered or respected, sometimes just the desire to be understood or to be seen.
Being invisible is hard. Being misunderstood, undervalued is hard. I fully hate not being in control of what other people think about me. I have spent the last 10 years of my life over explaining myself to people because I am so afraid they will not like me if they do not understand. I have carried with me the conviction that if I don’t explain myself then no one will get me, and I will be left unloved and unsupported. God has walked through a lot of this with me the last few months. I have begun to uncurl those scared fingers from around my reputation. I have begun to say, “what they think about me, is up to you God.” And I tell you what, the freedom in that area has been amazing! To be able to start to have conversations without constantly analysing and trying to gage what the other person is thinking is so good! I have begun to let go of whether I am “doing a good enough job” of being their friend or whatever I have decided I ought to be - to trust God will explain me, and when he doesn’t, then God understands.
Romans 8:33 says “It is God who justifies.”
Jesus says, “worship the Lord and serve him only.”
Can I learn to live in the place of trusting God to defend me? Can I stamp on that temptation with the decision that it is only God’s opinion that matters? He is the one we should value. He says I am loved. He says I am precious. He says I am his. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. And he will give me connections and friends. He will explain me to those who he wants to get me and get alongside me.
“If you are the son of God, throw yourself down from here..”
“If you are really God’s beloved child, why aren’t you doing anything amazing? Why is nothing around you changing? Why are you so powerless?”
Faced with my own complete weakness and inability, even to do the most basic of days, I struggle constantly with this one. How can I claim to be loved and valuable when I offer nothing? Often I worry about this on a missional front too: why is nothing changing? Why are we so insignificant?
Jesus says, “It is said, ‘Do not the Lord your God to the test.’”
This reminds me of that moment in Job when Job finally comes face to face with God after forty chapters of pain and suffering, and he says “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted...surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things to wonderful for me to know.” Job 42:1
In the presence of God Job realises that all power belongs to God. We are helpless before him, but he is not helpless. He will do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it.
Our answer to Satan when he asks us why we are so impotent, when he questions what we possibly think we can achieve, is “I stand where he tells me to stand.” We can learn to trust God enough not to look at the outcomes, but to look at his face. We do what he says, and the rest is up to him. Jesus’ response to the temptation to be in control of the outcomes, to achieve high, to do something amazing, is “I do not question God’s power or his plan.” We can trust he is good enough. We can trust that he can and will do beautiful and wonderful things. And it is all on Him. It is not on us.
Can we surrender control of the outcomes? Can we say, “My power is found in him. He is responsible for my achievements”?
I want this freedom that Jesus has. He has submitted his circumstances, his reputation and his achievements to the will of his father. He says, “what happens to me, how people see me, how much I achieve, is up to my Heavenly Father.” God is a good dad. He loves us and he is enough. And what he wants for us in surrendering our control is our freedom. To face these temptations is to walk without fear of painful circumstances, fear of what others think, fear of whether we will be enough, do enough. I want that. I am willing to walk through obscurity and face these questions if it means I can learn freedom, if I can learn not to be held by the world’s desires.
Because the opposite of control is
flight.
Katy x